Last update 2/28/2002
Last update 6/4/1997
7/10/95
So you made it this far. That is good, I have been playing around
with this for a while now. Some structure is starting to take
place. Life is to short for some things and to long for others.
There is much that I want to accomplish here, but I am still not
sure where this is all going. What should I put here, where will
this take me. I feel like I am on a ride and have no clue where
it will let me off, nor do I want to get off (in the strict sense
of the term "get off".
This is probably where most of my information will go that has no place else to go, like my writings, consider this my journal, my explanation to myself and others as to why I am the way I am, my excuse to the world as to why I am... the way I am.
The Ramblings of a Madman started a long time ago, (in this galaxy) on a system (bbs) I ran called "The Raven". Conceptually it started long before that when I was probated to ... well that is a longer story that I may get into one day (I will probably slip it in somewhere). I have been called many things in my day , but sane is not usually mentioned.
I would like to make a mention here, and dedicate my workings here to two people, one is my mom, and the other is the only person that I love as much, The Zombie Master. The love is not the same but it is as strong.
And Now On With Our Show.... to be continued...
and so it continues7/13/95
The darker side of night7/21/95
So I stand10/9/95
dreams again11/25/95
Random thoughts1/20/96
FOG!2/22/96
Change, I dont think so3/1/96
Perception6/5/96
It Hurt again 5/97
i love the rain 6/2/97
7/13/95
and so it continues.. Life is the engine that a poet runs on,
depression is the fuel that makes that engine run. I have been
running for more days than I care to remember. This is not to say
that I don't get much happiness out of life, I do ( well
sometimes). It is really to say that I am tired of seeing the
same things in people. They (people) hurt each other and blame it
on all sorts of things, but it's usually for the same reasons, to
make them selves look good, or feel better. It seems that I have
experienced most of what life has to offer.. I say to myself that
this can't be true, but tell me what is really new in life.
A man stands on the edge of forever, looking out across a
timeless sea of stars.
A tear in one eye, a plank in the other. and asks WHY!
After waits for what seems like an eternity.. he hears an answer. NO REASON AT ALL!
pondering life is like masturbating, it is only good while you are in the action, after you stop there is still reality.
A man stands on the edge of forever...wondering why he's going to die
7/21/95
The darker side of night
I went to the other side of life again. It took me by surprise.
there she was, again just looking out over a cloud covered ocean,
blue and white were the colors of it , swirling dark shapes
looking to drag me down ...again , she wanted to say something to
explain why it had to be the way it was but the time had passed,
it was over, there was nothing left to say that could mend a way-of-life gone wrong.
It was broke, all torn to pieces. I woke in a
sweet, pools of blood still dripping from my heart. I broke the
dread of sleep once again and could still hear the scream of my
life.. times up, off to work, see you there.
So I stand here at the edge of a road and look down (not at my
feet, dummy, down the road, you know " the "ROAD OF
LIFE") So there I am looking, seems like I have been
standing there for a long time (at least it seems long in my
limited linear view of time). Seems like the dreams of the past
have all gone and the visions of the future are clouded but
there is a path. I walked that path for a while, the problem is
that there is never any going back, "now' is always now, and
the past? Well like the monkey said " is in the past"
rhythms and rimes life full of crimes fairness seems an
illusions. No one ever said it would be sleazy spezy. Keep it
clean play the scene. Cut that's a rap. what is real is what is
real, it's what's real. ... film doesn't imitate life, people
do. so what is real.
Reality is just one point of view on a give subject, so it changes as each person describe it. what's your reality. I bet it is not mine. THAT IS THE ANSWER, to find someone else who's reality matches mind (that was not a typo), if it matches mine also then the connection begins.
I have never written to be understood, I write because I choose to. I talk to my self a lot also but then most people don't follow that either. Sure, you get the surface of what I write, but do you see what is really under the water. Water in most cases represents life, I am thirsty, so you understand?
most people feel that they can't connect to a world filled with others that don't understand how they feel... I'll cut it short.... making the connection is what life is all about. TRY to get connected.
Dreams again.. Sometimes as I walk through life I bump into the past, in dreams, but also in the wakened state, this time it was in a dream. Life's funny that way, I didn't laugh this time. Hurt is something that people get use to. I guess I don't feel like writing today. My partner says I am an Idealist-Realist, it seems like that means I will never be happy. That's not to say that I don't have a good time in life, but it does make it hard. Maybe I'll have something better to say next time. It is thanksgiving, let them eat turkey.
The Ravings of a madman
Seems like many people want, have you ever tried to give
beauty, the skin deep, do you want to cry
seems like we are all on a different plain. but they know
knowing is like being one with another person
connecting with another person is like hitting the nail on the
head, that's what half of life is about
the other half is about giving
some people want, have you ever tried to give.
It seems like people "want" something out of life, but can't find what they are looking for. Some things in life can never be fulfilled, things from the past.. but if you give the thing that you can't find you may receive the feeling that your mind has craved for these many years that you never know you needed. Try it , do something for somebody , and don't tell any body that you did it. You may be surprised at how you feel.
"so maybe, your gona be the one that saves me.."
save your self
The fog is out today, things are hazy...
Life is like that sometimes, it is hard to see the trees, when your climbing.
Yes I just woke up, tired and sleepy, but to much to do and no one to share it with, am I sad... well maybe, but I am sad sometimes, that is ok.
Do I enjoy life , yes, but I see it for what it is, life is not all happy happy, but then it is not all sad either.
Life is what you make of it, perception is most of it. If you think something is bad, well it may be, but if you try to find the good in it... more than likely you will
Most people I meet cant see very far in life, oh don't get that wrong they all dream but they cant see an end to the dream, it is like they live in a FOG, it's out to day , didn't you know, things are hazy, people think life is crazy.
Death is an important part of "the cycle" some things have to leave so that others can come, growth is what we live for. If you have stopped growth then you have died, the problem is that most people don't see that they are not growing.
The fog is out today, but things aren't really that hazy
Ravings of a Madman
3/1/96 If I thought it would change
I’d cry if it would do any good, but I’ve cried before,
nothing changed
I’d ask god for help if I thought he gave a shit, but
I’ve prayed before.
I’d call if I thought it would change her mind, but
we’ve talked before...
I ‘d cry if I thought it would change your mind
perception
So I sit here and write, it seems that perception is what makes
life good or bad.
So then why can’t most people see that.
As I travel down a thin slice of neon blue light atoms spread out
for millions of miles,
I think, what else is there to do. Life, in all it’s wonder,
passes most people by, and then one day it is to late to CHANGE.
Listen to the ocean, can you hear the sound, the roll of the
current, smell the salt, there did you hear the bird cry, a
lonely sound... PERCEPTION
You see it all comes down to how you look at things, is the bird
lonely, or is it just me. Me in a world full of people, with many
good friends... Lonely
Look at the boy sitting on a rock wondering why he had to die.
Life has moved on, no it is time to catch up with it, how many
little boys never grow up, how many still never knew they
didn’t
As the Blue electric light shifts to red, time comes back into
focus, particles fuse back into a body and life begins again.
Perception
Life is a funny thing sometimes.
People do what they need to do to survive.
Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes me sad
I can understand most things, in a way that stinks
I can understand that they ain't doin' it to hurt me
but ..sometimes it hurts
I missed the girl, hell I kissed the girl
I down right fucked her and wanted to give bliss to the girl
and sometimes it still hurts
I got no right, I got sight, I can see and my eyes are open
I can see and my heart is broken
and it hurts sometimes
6/2/97
i love the rain
to lay in the bed with a warm body
to feel the sound of the water as it falls from the sky
to hear the body of your partner as you cry
to sound the sound of life ..shared
yeah yeah yeah , I am full of shit like that <grin> but I
do mean every work of it
Words to live by
Send e-mail to joe@pb.net.
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2/2002
Many years have passed since I lost that life. I am the same but I have changed. I am me but I am also someone else now.
As I read back the hurt seemed so fresh to my soul husts much less now but still hurts if I let it. It is not real any longer .. just preception (if I let it). It no longer rots the inner workings as it once did. I made it through and am not sure I really came out the other side but if I am not there then I am here and here is where I will start but where is here.
I am that and more. Maybe I should write again and see where that leads me this time.